Seriously.
If someone could explain to me how in the name of all that is holy you manage to code your game such that if the computer it is running on does not have a perfect combination of audio codecs, all input from the keyboard and mouse fails after 3-5 minutes?
Or how, in the modern world (modern world), alt tabbing can still cause a game to crash?
I mad.
Anyway. It works now. Eventually. However I’ve forgone the use of graphics mods, mostly because I don’t want to redownload them after deleting them, believe them to be the cause of the problem (they weren’t). Also, some of them were such a giant cock to install. OUR ADVENTURE BEGINS, HERE:
We’re going to boldly go where no prisoner, emperor and three guards have gone before. But first we must create our mighty hero.
Are we to be man or woman? Warrior or sorcerer? Angel or devil-hearted demon-bastard/bitch? Pro-tip: none of the above.
We’re going to be a cat.
Rule 34 will not be tolerated.
OH GOD FURRIES. No not really. I’m picking it because of the ridiculous bonuses. For a start, we get a base increase to agility, which is sexy stuff considering our planned course of action. But mostly it’s the permanent, free see-in-the-dark spell, the racial bonus. You really can’t underestimate that, not least because it is so bright in my room I need to use it to actually play the game. The one downside is it does leave a blue tinge on everything, as you’ll see shortly.
So we begin. But. Hang on. This isn’t right. Why would yo- BETHESDA!
Doing it wrong.
Doing it right.
Okay we’re back. Well this is homely, a nice cell to call our own. Oblivion begins with your character, for unknown reasons, as a guest of the Emperor. Be it for murder, theft or picking your nose is left to your imagination, but judging by the hanging chains and nothing of a bed, it doesn’t look like a fun time. As an introduction to the world, we get to talk to the best character in the game. This guy:
Can't see you too well there son...
It's all getting a little Avatar in here.
He’s a dark elf and his dialogue is the first thing you’ll hear in-game. It is custom tailored to your race – to the point that if you’re a dark elf, he’ll talk about how he’s going to escape and sex up your wife. For cat people such as myself, he offers a nice juicy rat sandwich and goes on to explain how I’m going to die in here – the one common motif in all of his speeches. This leads nicely into him explaining that the guards are on their way.
Two guards, one emperor isn't nearly as famous.
They bust into the cell all “what the hell are you doing here?” and “STAY OUT OF OUR WAY” as you back into the corner. Just passing through, right guys? Not going to involve me in your obviously serious and incredibly dangerous work? You’ve already mentioned the horrible deaths of various persons, so I’m safe here right? I’ll just mind my own business. Hay a tan cu- OH GOD DAMMIT
Don't hurt me, old man ;_;
Captain Pic- Emperor Palpa- Uriel Septim informs us that he has seen us in his dreams. His dreaming about chained cat people aside, apparently this means we get the honour of escaping with him. You know, the guy apparently being chased by assassin’s. Unarmed. With wrist irons on. Sergeant TokenFemale opens the door for us with a push of a brick as we are informed we better not fuck around. Or they’ll kill us.
Things are looking up.
Movement and combat in Oblivion really isn’t very complex. You have your standard WASD, space for jump, e for use. You do have to “bring out” your weapon if you want to fight. This can be done by simply pressing the attack button (M1, like I said, normal) or press F – which also puts weapons away. Characters will react to you differently if you wander around and talk to them with your weapon drawn. This being the difference between going up to someone and asking if they have the time and pulling a gun on them, pointing it casually at their crotch and asking for the time.
We trek on, being casually insulted or shouted at by our various companions. At least Sergeant TokenFemale is a bit of a looker. Maybe if we all get out of this alive…
"Ever had a thing for a ma- cat in chains, darlin'?"
Man those caverns on the walls would be a really cool place to hide. You could spy on anyone walking through, maybe jump on them, scare them a bit. Good job there aren’t ASSASSIN’S CHASING US OR ANYTHING, HUH, GUARDS?
Oh crap.
AAAAAAA DIE
Yeah we sure showed them.
Alriiiiight, lootan time.
The guards pretty much one-shot the assassin’s and you can’t do crap to them due to the awesome daedric armour they’re wearing – which, of course, is just a spell they’re casting, so it dissapears when they die. No epic phat loots for us. Not yet, anyway, but SOON, PRECIOUS, OH SO SOON.
Anyway, time to steal from the dead. Those robes are fair fetching, and one of them even had a nice potion.
Giggity.
Hay, look who died D:
Giggity goo.
HAY SHE HAS A SWORD, yoink! Aww yeah, we’re one badass kitty now.
The adventure begins!
Tune in next time for OH GOD RATS.